Rick Santorum is an Unproven Theory

Posted by Hunter

at DailyKos.com


S. Paul note: Rarely do I find an article that makes a great point while adding a satirical spin on a ridiculous series of talking points forced upon us all by politicians pretending to be people who care.  This article is brilliant.

I don't believe in Rick Santorum. There, I said it. You can believe whatever you want, but in myhouse, we set our standards a little higher, and that includes having a bit of healthy skepticism when it comes to the mainstream media. They have a clear agenda biased towards making people believe Rick Santorum exists, but I have yet to see a single network, even Fox News, which is usually more careful about these things, even acknowledge that there is controversy over whether or not it is true.

In my house, therefore, we teach the controversy. I make sure my own child knows that Rick Santorum may or may not actually exist—but that he probably doesn't. We considered homeschooling for a while, and still may do it, as we cannot truly be sure our local school will respect our wishes on this matter. I have spoken to the principal and to my child's teacher at some length, and while they assure me that the matter of Rick Santorum existing or not existing has not as of yet come up in her elementary school class, I have been unable to receive a blanket promise that Rick Santorum will never be brought up, in any future junior high or high school political science class, and my queries as to whether they themselves would be willing toteach the controversy were met with rather more skepticism than I would have liked. So that remains to be seen.

Why do we not believe in Rick Santorum? The simplest reason is that we have never actually seen him, and I suspect neither have you. Oh sure, we see television footage of someoneclaiming to be Rick Santorum, but television is notoriously unreliable. It could be special effects; it could be an actor brought in to play the role; it could be photoshopped footage from an old bin Laden raid, heavily edited and with American flags liberally pasted in. While it may not be immediately obvious why mainstream media would want us to believe someone as ridiculous as Rick Santorum exists, you have to admit the glaring lack of any contrary views only serves to make the whole thing even more suspicious.

Scientists note that there was never any mention of "Rick Santorum" prior to the 20th century. There are apocryphal tales of people here and there named Rick Santorum, perhaps, but they were clearly not this Rick Santorum, and looked nothing like him. More damning by far, however: Not once is Rick Santorum referenced in the Bible. Go ahead, look it up. Not in the Old Testament; not in the New Testament. The Old Testament in particular has lists of names that go on for paragraphs, but that particular name appears not even once. Never does Jesus mention a Rick Santorum, or the possibility of a Rick Santorum, or what to do if you meet a Rick Santorum. We get lessons in the Bible about everything from sex to forgiveness to which animals to eat—it is a book that literally begins at the creation of the universe itself, that is how inclusive it is—but not one damn thing about any supposed Rick Santorum.

So why is the media so apparently hell-bent (literally!) on making us believe in Rick Santorum? What is in it for them? I suspect conspiracy. By getting millions of people (well, thousands, but you get the point) to vote for a fictional Rick Santorum, it is a clear attempt to throw the election by making far-right voters throw their votes away. Imagine it: This Rick Santorum fellow wins the nomination, but immediately after the convention the networks all reveal that Rick Santorum was in fact a made-up being. They have just cast votes for a myth! And so Obama coasts to an easy reelection, because his only opponent has turned out to be, in fact, a farce perpetrated by mainstream media moguls like Rupert Murdoch and Rush Limbaugh, all of them secretly in the tank for Barack Obama.

That is only one of many possible explanations, mind you. We know it must be something big, to have incorporated every major network and news outlet. Discussion of Santorum is ubiquitous, and even includes alleged smear campaigns against him—but did the smear start first, or did the candidate? There is no way to be sure. History can be fudged, my friends. History can be fudged. All we know at this point is that there are a great deal of reporters, and pundits, and "news networks" making a great deal of money "covering" this purported Rick Santorum fellow. They have a monetary stake in convincing us their pro-Santorum agenda is real.

We may not be able to individually fight the mainstream media, but together we are stronger. So I am asking all of you: Push back. Question. Ask yourself who benefits from making up such a ridiculous, implausible, readily mockable caricature of a man as this Rick Santorum fellow supposedly is. Go to your local school board meetings, and ask them to teach the controversyabout whether Rick Santorum truly exists. Write letters to the editors demanding—not requesting, but demanding—they allow discussion of both sides of the issue. If they allow opinion articles praising Rick Santorum or arguing against Rick Santorum, they have the responsibility to also publish opinion pieces from those of us wishing to dispute whether this ridiculous, implausible, and cartoonish Rick Santorum fellow truly exists or is merely a conspiracy of the media. Go to the rallies of this fellow claiming to be a "Rick Santorum" and ask him flat-out to prove to you that he is who he says he is. Can he? Drivers licenses, birth certificates—these can all be forged. Bring your Bible, and ask him to show you where he is mentioned. A real Bible, too. One you know has not been tampered with.

As for myself, I am tired of the media disrespecting my beliefs. I am tired of the entire world just deciding, on their own, that my opinion on whether Rick Santorum exists is invalid. That is not freedom, at least not as I understand it. That is not religious tolerance. We all should be outraged at how quickly our nation devolves into bigotry against people like me, whose beliefs are based on the Bible itself, and these outrages must not stand.